Last week we defined the game that most of us play. "We all learn the game of money, in which the winner is the person with the most toys and the most money. And, of course, we want to be winners." Click here to review last week's issue.

The result of all of this indoctrination is that we can no longer be authentic. Inside we feel bad. We want to overcome those bad feelings while acquiring the trappings that we associate with being a winner. And we want it all now. This whole process develops the roots of our self-sabotage. We can no longer be authentic and follow our dreams. Instead, we’re too busy trying to have the trappings of being a winner.

• If you are fortunate, you don’t win at this game. Instead, you question the game and play a different game that allows you to be authentic.
  
  
• If you are unfortunate, you play the Money Game. If you lose, you join the crowd and become a zombie. If you win, it feels hollow, so you just strive for more. And while you are doing that, you totally lose your ability to be authentic.

Learning that he was a loser was only the first stage of Alex’s indoctrination. Now, he believes he is a loser and he also believes that certain things must be accomplished if he is to prove the world wrong. Thus, Alex’s beliefs have been set up.

Suppressed Negative Feelings

As a result of to trying to please others, Alex also learned that negative emotions needed to be suppressed. He got angry once because he wasn’t given something he wanted, and he threw a temper tantrum. He broke things. And that didn’t get him want he wanted. Instead, Alex got punished, being told, “Good boys don’t do that.” As a result, Alex learned that he must be a bad boy – or at least part of him was bad. He learned to split himself into parts – thinking, “Part of me, at least, must be bad…and if I want my parent’s affection, I need to suppress that part.”

In order to win his parents affection, he decided to suppress those feelings of anger… and the bad part of him. And as he suppressed the feelings, he stored them in his body. They weren’t gone. They were just stored in his body. Now, the angry feelings became a part of him. And the part of himself that he suppressed was now constantly looking out for things that might make him angry.

“Don’t do this,” the angry part would say, “or you might feel like this.” And as soon as he said the word “this,” that part of him would release some stored anger. Whenever he even thought about someone withholding something he might want, whether they did it or not, Alex would feel angry. Gradually, Alex became angry much more often.

Alex didn’t think about it, but he was trying not to be angry in order to win his parents’ affection. The net result, however, was that he became angry much more often. And when he got angry, he got the same reaction from other people – rejection, which in turn made him feel angrier. The more he tried to suppress those feelings, the stronger the anger part became.

Another time, Alex had a nightmare and ran to his parent’s bed, waking them up. His parents scolded him saying, “Big, brave boys don’t fear anything,” and told him that it was just a dream. They didn’t want to scold him, but they didn’t like being woken up at 3 A.M. They sent him back to bed saying, “big boys aren’t afraid of their dreams… good boys sleep through the night.”

As a result, Alex learned that there was a negative connotation to being a little boy… and that being afraid made him a bad little boy. After all, good, big boys don’t do what he just did. Learning that being fearful wasn’t good, Alex began to suppress fear and store it in his body. He created a part of himself to do that. Soon there was a lot of fear stored in Alex’s little body.

But suppressing fear led to much more fear. The fearful part was now finding all sorts of things that might cause Alex to feel fear. And each time it found something new, it would release some of the stored fear. And soon, Alex found that there were a lot of things to fear in this world. Yet he wasn’t born with any of those fears; they just seemed to develop.

Do you have negative emotions that you don’t want to feel? And do you find that you repeat those emotions over and over in your life? Do you have emotions like anger, fear, or rejection that seem to come up over and over for you? You think that there are just a lot of situations that make you feel that way, but perhaps it’s just you bringing up that emotion that you’ve suppressed?

Do you get angry driving your car? Do you ever consider why? You think it’s the other driver, but not everyone gets angry in response to being cut off, or to someone going too slowly, or to being caught in a traffic jam. You think it’s them, but the response is coming out of you. Is it possible that the anger you express while driving is really your suppressed anger or some other suppressed negative emotion trying to find an outlet? Is it possible that what you are resisting (i.e., the negative emotion) is just persisting?

Divided Parts.

Alex was born, a whole person. But he was now beginning to fragment himself. He had already developed a part of himself to avoid anger so his parents would think he was a good boy. However, that part seemed to continually find situations that might make him angry and then remind him of what he didn’t want to feel by releasing anger. And, of course, he forgot that he’d even created the part.

He’d also developed a part of himself that wanted to be a good, big boy and not be fearful. But this part was continually encountering situations that would make him fearful, and he was caught between suppressing and releasing that fear. Suddenly, he was finding more and more fearful situations.

The natural Alex would just follow his heart, but as Alex developed beliefs, he started to learn what was right and wrong. He developed a part of himself that always wanted to be right and good. That way he’d be accepted. And, of course, he forgot that he’d developed those parts. But now instead of following his heart, these parts would pop up, telling him, “you must do what’s right. You must be good.” And soon, Alex had many such parts, each telling him what he should or should not be or do.

He developed one part that was designed to help him be just what his father said he should be – brave, strong, good at sports, good at academics – a winner. But Alex wasn’t good at sports. He felt rejected by other children for being poor at sports and this conflicted with a part of him that didn’t want to be rejected.

Alex developed another part of himself to help him be what his mother wanted him to be. Once he rebelled and tried to run away and his mother cried, “If you run away, you’re not my son anymore.” Alex was terrified of losing his mother so he came back and in the process he developed a part that would always try to avoid doing things that his mother wouldn’t like because she might disown him.

But sometimes Alex’s mother could be unreasonable. Sometimes she made demands and requests that had nothing to do with what Alex really wanted in his heart. And when that happened Alex was in conflict.

Soon Alex had many parts. He had parts that represented feelings he thought he shouldn’t feel. He had parts of himself that were designed to help him please significant people in his life. And he was also developing parts that seemed to relate to different roles he thought he might want to play in life. Part of him wanted to be a winner, but part of him hated schoolwork and just wanted to play. Part of him wanted to please his Dad and be good at sports, but another part of him just wanted to be left alone. Part of him wanted to acquire different toys and to own them, but anther part didn’t want to put them away or take on the responsibilities of owning many toys.

Now he’d even hear a voice in his head that would say, “On the one hand, I’d like to do that, but on the other hand I don’t want that to happen, so perhaps I should not do this.” Now Alex experienced frequent conflict.

Think about it. How many negative emotions do you have that you’d like to suppress and never feel again? Each of those could be a part of you. How many people were you trying to please when you grew up? How many people do you try to please now? Each of those could be a part of you? How many roles do you have in your life? Do each of those roles make different demands on you? Does your work life conflict with your family life? Do your “responsibilities” conflict with your desire to have fun? Do you frequently find yourself saying, “on the one hand I’d like to do this, but on the other hand I want to do that or avoid that?” Those are all signs of conflict, and now you know how that conflict develops.

In Part Three we continue with ways in which we sabotage our financial freedom.

From Van K. Tharp's newest work, The Little Book on Financial Freedom. Look for publication Winter 2004.